“Life’s too short, babe. Time’s a
flying. I’m looking for baggage that
goes with mine.” -Mimi, Rent
I travel a lot so I’m an expert at stuffing more than you can
imagine into my suitcase for long trips.
I also know that, in all reality, I can pack very lightly; I only need a
bikini, a few sundresses, and my SPF 100 for any trip less than a week. My carry-on always contains my MP3 player,
Kobo, camera and Ultrabook because, well, we are living in a technological
world and I’m a technological girl. I
also know that despite what all the regulations state, no one is ever going to
weigh or measure my carry-on. If my
luggage gets damaged on flights, I know how to contact the airline for
repairs. If (God forbid) it should ever
get lost, I keep a photocopy of my passport with my address and phone number
written on it so I will be easy to track down. I am like a well-oiled
machine. I’ve got this baggage thing down!
I know people view me as a globetrotting free spirit… and
yes, that’s true. People wistfully say
things to me all the time like, “I could never do what you do.” And then they
put up roadblocks and hurdles to fulfill their own prophecy. I’m hoping this blog entry can inspire people
to tear down their roadblocks and jump those hurdles. Don’t let anything hold you back from your
dreams, whatever those dreams may be.
Confession: Oh man, do I ever have baggage that cannot be
checked or stored in the overhead compartment.
This suitcase has a luggage tag labelled “Pandora”, but let’s go ahead and
open it anyway: I have generalized
anxiety disorder (with debilitating panic attacks) and obsessive compulsive
disorder. Whew! That sure is some heavy baggage I lug around
the world with me!
Most of the time, I’m fine.
These are things I’m very used to and I’ve been dealing with for most of
my life. Lately, I haven’t been okay
though. I got stuck in an elevator a few
months ago on the 38th floor and that triggered everything negative
inside of me to come rushing to the surface.
Since then, I’ve been unable to shake this feeling that transits between
moderate uneasiness and complete dread.
I have a silent freak-out every time I set foot in an elevator now (I
live on the 39th floor and my school is 8 stories high, so daily). And there are these constant catastrophic “what
if” scenarios running through my head about pretty much everything. I’m living in fear of life and that is
unacceptable. I’ll be okay. Yes, I feel like I’ve reverted back to my 18
year old tragic mess of a self, but I know this will pass.
Panic attacks come at the most inopportune times. Scuba diving, for example, is a very bad time
to have a panic attack. I liken diving
to what it must be like to go to space.
The ocean floor is a giant expanse of unexplored vastness where you are
removed from the world, feel particularly small and even experience gravity
differently. One of my favourite views
is that of looking up at the surface from the bottom of the sea. It’s incredible. But not this time. Last month in Malaysia, I was 25 metres down
at the bottom of the ocean when a cold sweat poured over my body and a mini existential
crisis swam through my mind. When did
the ocean become so darn big? And
blue? I had no choice but to silently
work through it as I swam along a coral reef.
(When diving, you have to follow a dive plan and can’t just pop up to
the top whenever you feel like it. The
changes in pressure and air can make you very sick if you don’t follow protocol.)
These past few weeks, I’ve been consumed with the news of
Malaysian Airlines flight 370. The first
few days, I just sat there and robotically refreshed the news on the
internet. It was very unhealthy. Then I took two days off work because it felt
like an elephant was sitting on my chest, ripping my heart out and I didn’t
want to leave the apartment. I don’t
know if it has hit me so hard because I was already in a vulnerable state or
because it is so literally close to home.
Or maybe it’s because I just returned from Malaysia a week before this
incident. I keep thinking about the
families involved and what they must be going through and hoping it never has
to be like that for my family. I also keep
thinking about what the passengers must have been going through. I know that next time I get on a plane (in 3
weeks today), that regular fear that grips me is going to feel much more
suffocating than usual.
Aside from the situational and explainable anxiety, it has pretty much been the steady state of my mind for the past few months. Even when I'm happy and the anxiety is not bubbling over, it is still in a gentle boil on the backburner, right below the surface.
But I’ll be okay.
Here’s what I’ve learned from my decades of battling mental
illness:
-Be patient with yourself
-Take a break. That’s
okay now and then. But don’t let your
whole life become a break. You don’t
want to end up like the Ediths of Grey Gardens.
-It’s okay to allow yourself to feel anxious or to give in to
the compulsions sometimes. If you try to
block those feelings, they just become even more persistent (like when someone
says “don’t think about a pink elephant”… you know you’re going to). But know when to tell yourself no.
-Keep a sense of humour.
Humour solves everything.
Seriously.
-Find soothing distractions: mine are swimming, writing and
chocolate. (Note to self: substitute chocolate with swimming more often or this
will not end well.)
-Find support. You don’t
have to do this alone (unless you want to).
I like to be alone, but it helps to talk to friends about it now and
then.
-There are going to be enough people and circumstances in
life that try to keep you down or hold you back. You shouldn’t be one of them. I want to travel, explore and do everything,
so that’s what I’m going to do.
-Gratitude: appreciate the good things and focus on those, even if they are small in comparison.
-Face your fears. If you have actual, concrete things you're afraid of, just face it or you're giving the fear the power. (Unless it's something actually dangerous, then use your common sense and don't do it.)
-Live your life anyway. Sometimes I just ignore how I'm feeling and do things anyway. I have to, otherwise, how would I live my awesome life?
-It will pass. It always does.
I guess my point in all this is that travelling the world is
not always as easy as I make it look. I’m
a mess right now. But if I can do this, anyone
can!
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| Embrace the world anyway! |
