You Can’t Go Home Again

Heraclitus of Ephesus said, “You can never step into the same river; for new waters are always flowing on to you.”  (I believe Disney’s Pocahontas also echoed this sentiment.) 

I remember studying this notion in a university philosophy class, but this summer, I experienced it first hand as I tried to jump into the deep watering hole of my youth only to find a murky creek of adulthood and aging in its place.  Not the same river at all!  When did I grow up?  When did things change? 

Of course time moves on… why was I surprised by this?  Well, I thought Father Time and I had an unspoken agreement to wait for each other.  Living abroad has been one big joyride so far; it doesn’t feel like real life or real time passing. My job, my house, my fancy-free blonde hair… it’s all temporary. There is no career, no down payment and mortgage, no end to the dark roots creeping in (and let me tell you, staying blonde in Asia is no cakewalk!)  Luckily, I call the shots… my life in Hong Kong is as secure and permanent as I want it to be.  

Nonetheless, I feel like I’m on pause over here in Asia.  I guess it’s a sort of relativity.  My world of play rotates quickly with so much going on around me, I feel like I’m standing still.  That same world is turning, changing and aging others.  I know these changes happen for everyone, but for me, when I go home, it’s like pushing the remote button to skip to the next scene in a movie… I miss all the intermediate action while I’m away and then wonder how we got from scene 1 to scene 5 so quickly.  

What has changed?

My Parents

They still look young as ever (for some reason, they are caught at 30 and 33 in my mind… but now I’m 30 and that’s just weird) but some things have changed. The people who introduced me to Windsor’s late night karaoke scene, but a few short years ago, now go to bed at 10.  Job changes, shift changes, lifestyle changes, becoming grandparents… life presses on.  With retirement on the near horizon, they look forward to an entirely new stage of life… one that will hopefully afford them some much deserved relaxation and travel.

Grandparents

I have memories that seem like yesterday of my stoic grandfather lording over his museum of a house while my grandma and I spent summer days frolicking in fields.  Now, age has softened my grandpa as his eyes become misty with sentiment while my grandma battles neurofibrillary tangles in order to cling to her fleeting memories. 

Pets

My dog is an old man.  He’s 88 in human years.  He has cataracts, arthritis, and no bark.  He is all weathered bones and matted fur.  But underneath it all, he’s still my puppy.  When I left home, despite his age, he was still a playful, agile dog.  Seeing him this time shocked me.  When I said goodbye to him this August, I knew it was goodbye forever. 

My Sister

Wow!  My sister is a beautiful woman now.  She’s not just my little sister anymore.  She’s very much her own woman with her own precious baby to look after.  She is a mother, and a wonderful mother, at that.  But still, that’s a change.  There are schedules, feedings, bedtimes, and naptimes.  Amazingly, my sister still had time to throw me a Christmas in July party fit for a partridge in a pear tree.  The tree, gifts, cookie decorating and slightly tacky garden angel on the porch gave me all the joy of three missed Christmases in just one evening. 

My City

I left for a reason and that reason was there were no prospects left.  That’s not an exaggeration… I refused to be unemployed any longer.  Apparently I wasn’t the only one.  Now, my city feels like a ghost town.  There are more “Out of Business” signs than west-end rats.  Small businesses have boarded up their windows and the downtown scene is all but gone.  Actually, I enjoyed the space and silence… but still, it used to thrive, so this is very sad.  The music has died in Motown and the once famous assembly lines have been put out to pasture. 

Letting Go of Time... 

We’re still young.  But now I’ve learned it can’t last.  Youth wanes like the moon and governs the tides of our lives.  It doesn’t have to be all crotchet needles and bifocals though.  Aging can be sweet and beautiful.  As we all grow older (because I suppose I can accept that even I am aging), travel or stay put, retire, have babies, and start or end every imaginable stage of life, let’s all remember one thing: Between wrinkles, boarded up windows and the ideals of yesteryear… despite miles and decades, some things remain the same: love, connections and fond memories.  In the distant future, I look forward to reminiscing with my husband about our full and glorious life together.  But it feels like we have an eternity to get to that point… so let’s live it up and create all those stories we’ll tell our grandchildren some day!